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Monday, 21 September 2009
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Currently
Basic Writings of Existentialism (Modern Library Classics)
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tweet tweet.
I have a house, three roommates, and two cats.
It's been a little over a year since I went to counseling, but I started going back a week or two ago. And it's nice. Sometimes I feel like I have all these jumbled thoughts and don't really know what to do with them, but don't want to throw them out because they feel ridiculous. And validation of our thoughts and feelings is important, I feel. Currently, I feel certain only in the knowledge that I simply do not know.
and for now, that's all that's on my mind.
I'll be back when I can answer this.
peace and love.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
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Currently
It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright
By mewithoutYou
the whole damn album.
see relatedThese are things that give you heavy boots.
It's been more than a while since my last update.
For the sake of honesty, it'll probably be a little bit of a while before i update again, too.
I have to get up for work in six hours. and counting.
Oh, i work at a local coffee house now, by the way.
A change of photo, scenery, heart... the works. It felt necessary and overdue.
As long as we maintain that the exterior change is not made out of our need to re-examine our interior.
Give me something simple, something true.
You don't exist for me,
I exist just to find You.
We are capable of more than how we are currently living.
"Look at your eyes; they may be small in size, but they see enormous things."
There's this huge juxtaposition of our huge responsibility in the existential sense of the word ...simply as humans, much less as children of G-d... against our simple nothingness in front of G-d. Worshiping Him until He is all we see: He is the reason we love those around us- not out of anything they can do for us or for our own pride to love; He is the reason we understand that of course life is going to be hard... and that every pain is simply our L-rd ebbing our edges away and refining his beloved.
Forgive me my pride of thinking I could have things figured out. or much less have been living that way.
"We don't know quite what else to do. We have all of our beliefs, but we don't want our beliefs.
G-d of Peace, we want You."
Sunday, 05 October 2008
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Currently Watching
Memento (Widescreen Two-Disc Limited Edition)
By Guy Pearce, Carrie-Anne Moss, Joe Pantoliano, Mark Boone Junior, Russ Fega
see relatedsimple things.
i haven't updated in a long time; i'm sorry.
I've been at school for seven weeks, and it's been a challenge.
I had the simple notion that since I made a good deal of progress this summer, there would be no challenge at school. At least, not like last year.
15 credit hours, an on-campus student worker job, and life in general tend to be taxing. Stress brings back feelings and struggles you thought you had overcome.
I'm back in counseling now. I've dreaded going back. I guess after making progress this summer, I would somehow be admitting to myself that I was not fixed by going back. It was a powerful session with Dr. Logue. I really do like that woman. I realized just how much I've missed having someone listen from a point of authority. I can spill out my guts and not have the person be bewildered. I love how the counselor is someone who understands mentally what is going on. I tell her what i'm feeling, what i've been struggling with, and she often simply repeats back to me, clearly, what I've said to her in ways that make perfect sense.
It's also made me realize just how much of my struggles are tied together. There's no reason to try and fix the issue of cutting or ED if that's all you do. It's as if you're being pulled down a river, and ED is the log that you grab onto. What's better is to try and figure out what the river is, why it's pulling you along so fast, and why you don't simply swim towards shore. It's exciting to piece things together and start figuring things out. I've been so exhausted with uncertainties.
Another weird thing that we talked about is admitting that I have an eating disorder. even as I typed that, I didn't believe it.
This week has been really hard.
Something i realized tonight is that whenever I struggle, God does not struggle.
God is a constant. I am not.
This is one of those simple things that I say, and immediately after saying it I realize how obvious it is.
I know the whole waxing/waning deal.
But here it is: When I struggle, God is not stressed or anxious or beating Himself up over it. This doesn't mean he isn't concerned. God is just as Good and Faithful after the struggle and frustration as He is before and during the fire. My failings are not also God's failings.
I let go of your hand somewhere between
love and what it demands of me.
Monday, 04 August 2008
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Currently Listening
Viva La Vida
By Coldplay
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okay.
I'm just jotting thoughts down on a private post. i doubt i'll post this. if i do, just realize i'm trying to think and work through these things.
Thursday night while falling asleep, I could not get sexual images of men out of my head. it made me feel disgusting. same thing friday night.
I go to sleep Thursday, i wake up, i drive to montgomery.
i listen to chris tomlin, praise God for who he is and the victory he's giving me.... arrive at Nana's.
Pray over papa's bathroom. Plan on praying over rest of the house. An hour or two later -it was almost like a switch- sexual desires/something flood my mind, and i can't find the lever to release the damn dam.
not to mention that Tyler and I had some nice one-on-one cousin time just walking around outside and talking. It has hard. not that i have feelings toward him by any means... but after years of a certain "mode" and that house having such a sexual tension in my own heart, it's just so confusing. I know it's wrong, but it seems so... expected. that's what a husband says to his wife after having a long-term affair with another woman. seeing the third wheel at another time -even after the affair has ended would be strange, because that artificial intimacy would almost be... expected.
I couldn't tell what was just "habitual emotions" and what was really being felt.
That scares me, and That makes me feel awful.
I care about Marianne.
but when this crap happens, I feel like a failure and that I should never even consider being with her.
there's this space of time between feeling like the scum on the bottom of my shoe and accepting and pursuing God's glorious mercy, redemption, and reconciliation. And it's often this space of time that kills me; i have no idea where I am while in this time-crevasse.
i probably have more thoughts.
i'm going to bed.
GraceforJudas
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- Member Since: 1/22/2008
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About Me
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I am pushing past the walls of depression, PTSD, cutting, suicide, and the cage of body dysmorphia and ED. But above all, I am loved immensely. I am not worthy, but through His eyes I have worth beyond measure. -And I'm reminding myself of such.
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